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Love and Insecurities Part 1

• Steph & Shellbz • Season 1 • Episode 3

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Nothing says "queer relationship" quite like getting matching face tattoos and looking at houses together within weeks of dating. In this candid episode, we pull back the curtain on what it means to fall hard and fast while still carrying the baggage from past relationships.

The conversation flows naturally from lighthearted tales of relationship milestones – like plans to move to an acreage and potential marriage in the Maldives – to deeper reflections on healing and growth. One of us shares the vulnerable experience of realizing how much unresolved trauma remains when simple misunderstandings trigger disproportionate emotional responses. The other confesses to a social media stalking spiral that led to an important moment of honesty with her partner.

What makes this episode particularly special is our exploration of how communication changes everything. We discuss the revelation of finding partners who think our annoying quirks are endearing, the freedom that comes with being able to express anger without fear, and the courage it takes to admit when insecurity drives us to "go psycho" (we've all been there). 

Most touching is our reflection on how differently we approach conflict now – no more shutting down, no more walking on eggshells, just honest conversations that start with "I don't want to offend you, but..." These moments highlight the beautiful growth that can happen when we find relationships that make us feel safe enough to be fully ourselves.

Ready to feel seen in your relationship journey? Join our community at lezcommunicate.com, follow us on social media, and don't forget to subscribe wherever you get your podcasts!

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Steph:

Welcome to let's Communicate, the podcast where queerness meets chaos, honesty meets hilarity and nothing is off limits. I'm your host, steph, and I'm here with my bestie, shelby, and we are diving headfirst into relationships, hot takes and all the things we definitely shouldn't be saying out loud. So grab your Red Bull or your cocktail and let's communicate.

Shellbz:

As you should.

Steph:

Okay, all right, so let's get into it.

Shellbz:

Fucking nothing. Actually, that's a lot. You're in love.

Steph:

I am in love. You got matching tattoos. We did do that, okay.

Shellbz:

Zero to 100 real fucking quick, typical lesbian fashion. We did do that, okay. Zero to 100 real fucking quick, typical lesbian fashion. So there's that. We also went and looked at a house the other day.

Steph:

Oh, my God yeah.

Shellbz:

An acreage actually.

Steph:

To rent or to buy.

Shellbz:

To rent. Okay, surprisingly, but I'm never home. I literally pay rent for my dogs and my cats, so that makes sense. We're cats, so it makes sense. Um, we're gonna save a shit ton of money and I mean it'll be another month or so before we can get in. But wait, did you sign not yet. We're waiting, for I think the dude comes back from vacation today sometime, so hopefully in the next like week we'll have an idea.

Shellbz:

But it's also a lot further away from where I'm at now how much for um about an hour and a half from where my house is now jesus, fuck.

Steph:

So you're saying that that virtual recording thing is going to have to be a real thing?

Shellbz:

No, it'll still only be about an hour from you, so that's not bad. It's just an hour straight west from here.

Steph:

So you're driving a lot further for work.

Shellbz:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fine, everything's fine.

Steph:

Everything's fine.

Shellbz:

Yeah, super excited. Can't wait for my ex-wife to find out, and that'll be a whole thing too.

Steph:

Oh my God, you haven't told her yet.

Shellbz:

No, she knows about like the relationship and shit and she's been like supportive of that, but I'm sure it'll be a whole thing where she expects me to ask for permission. Yeah, I mean, that's going to be a thing for sure, because you know, littles, my little fucking loves her and loves like Chelsea.

Steph:

Has kids too. We'll cut that out. Yeah, no names, that's okay.

Shellbz:

But yeah, she has two kids and mine gets along pretty well with them. I mean, one of them's three years younger, so little brother nonsense. But otherwise it's great. She calls her mom on her own terms. I didn't tell her to girlfriend, didn't tell her to nothing, she just chose to and she let it slip in front of my ex-wife and that turned into a whole thing which I can kind of understand, Obviously, like I haven't been in the position where my tiny calls somebody else, you know, mom or dad or whatever. But also I'm not going to correct her, I'm not going to tell her to not do that.

Steph:

Right, you don't.

Shellbz:

Because that's how she feels and that's what she sees and that's and she sees a happy relationship and she loves it and the kids all want us to get married and all of the things.

Steph:

So, yeah, I'm super stupid in love actually yeah, yeah, I noticed that you did. Do you see my TikTok today?

Shellbz:

Not today.

Steph:

Yeah, you are stealing all of our songs. Listen, they just pop up as recommended.

Shellbz:

No, it's on.

Steph:

Facebook. Ok, you took like a snippet of our Cannon Cox song. Yes, asshole.

Shellbz:

Listen, also recommended by Spotify, but it's a good one. It is so good Listen. If you guys get married, just let me know what your song is, so that we don't have the same one.

Steph:

Yeah, it's done If at this point, it's a one Right. So when you get married, have you guys talked about it.

Shellbz:

What Do you have like options?

Steph:

Yeah, I said that we could do Vegas Also. I already know like one of the big dreams of mine has always been to do a honeymoon in the Maldives, so we thought about getting married in the Maldives and, yeah, we thought about bringing you and your woman I'm here for it as witnesses, as witnesses. But yeah, I mean, yeah, we, your, your woman, I'm here for it, uh, as a witness, but yeah I mean, yeah, we've talked about it's awesome.

Shellbz:

I love that so much. You know talked about it. We've talked about it, not specific. She just says she wants to get married on a beach yeah yeah, um, and I've. She's looked at me at least a dozen times and in front of other people said if somebody would just ask the question, yeah yeah, and I was like, should we do a dual wedding or what's up? Oh, that would be super fucking dope actually.

Steph:

That would be really cute. I'm so here for that. That would be adorable.

Shellbz:

I like that idea. That would be super cute. I'm here for it.

Steph:

You know like when you get married in a foreign country, you technically have to you know sign the paperwork in Iowa.

Shellbz:

Yeah, I can't say I've ever looked into that.

Steph:

Yeah, you got to sign the paperwork in the US. So technically you're married in the United States, but you're just doing the ceremony. That makes sense, but still.

Shellbz:

Yeah, yeah, we've talked about it. I got to get a ring first. Right, you got to have the ring first. Do you have to have the ring first? I told her I was just going on a fucking gumball machine.

Steph:

Yeah, I mean that's fair. That's what gay about it? But because shit ain't cheap man, no, no, and it's ridiculous too. Like, let's be honest, like if you need that type of ring, like who the fuck are you right right? Who the fuck are you?

Shellbz:

listen, I did the expensive fancy ring thing. We all know how that turned out yeah, it didn't turn out well did it?

Steph:

no, it sure didn't no, I also did the expensive fancy ring thing. I did not receive it back.

Shellbz:

I'm sure I would have.

Steph:

I would have pawned that shit. It's like no, no, I um. Yeah, for my first wedding ring I got a one of those fit bands like the oh, like the silicone ones. Yeah, yeah, there's nothing wrong with those so I was like yeah, that's fucking great, that's me I bought it myself, so go me that checks out that checks out.

Shellbz:

Yeah, we like I don't know, we both have kind of found different ones, online styles and whatever. But she said the other day she's like I want us to go in and like see what they look like, so that neither one of us buy something and it looks terrible on our hand, right? I was like that's true, I also need to know what size you are. So we've definitely talked about it, but I don't know, I feel almost guilty if I don't have a ring first.

Steph:

True, I mean find out what she likes and then go from there, Right?

Shellbz:

Yeah, and I have, but it's a matter of when. But like I would ask her now, but I don't have said ring, do you need help getting sent? I will get it eventually.

Shellbz:

But she did tell me she's like just don't rush it just's just one of those like blah days I don't know if it's the weather or if it's like all of the overwhelming shit going on around right between like moving and then I still haven't emptied out my other house, and then talking to my landlord and then my ex-wife's bullshit and just I think it's just everything right, you need a break a little bit.

Steph:

I think we both do so.

Shellbz:

I don't know, it's just a day, and I told her, though I was like I appreciate your patience for my bullshit, because I know it's not easy, but she does it extremely well, effortlessly. She doesn't make me feel like shit for having a bad day, which is new, very new. Love that for me, but I I don't know, I don't really, I can't pinpoint it. I tried to today, but I couldn't hash it out.

Steph:

I go in fucking like tirades, like I go in like crazy tirades where I'm like so angry about something in particular, like I'm so pissed off and I'm so angry and I'm just like through the roof, fucking pissed like in my terms, right, like my terms are just like calling everybody a bitch but do you have like a specific reason, or you just like wake up and you're pissed off?

Steph:

I don't know. No, I don't think I ever like wake up pissed off. It's always like something specific that like throws me over the edge, but normally it's work. That's fair.

Shellbz:

That's fair, do you? How do you manage that? Do you isolate, or do you like just want your person, or do you like have coping things for when you're pissed? I mean, yeah, I yell a lot.

Steph:

Yeah, I just like I don't know. I think in general, how I like deal with this is on. Like you know, kelly has to deal with a lot of my bullshit. Sure, she listens very well, but yeah, I just go on this like spew of cuss words and it doesn't even make any sense. I'm trying to explain what's going on, but all I can say is, like all the naughty words that you can think of yes, exactly, fuck shit, bitch it just comes out.

Shellbz:

Yeah.

Steph:

Yeah and I will. I'm happy that, like you know, I made Kelly sign an NDA, because the shit that I talk is intense.

Shellbz:

I mean at least, at least you can admit that.

Steph:

I'm a massive shit talker. Yes, that's, that's just who I am.

Steph:

Can be, but then I hurt feelings and then I normally, like I said, normally the stuff that I'm angry about is is related to my words. Yeah, they do call me a raging bitch behind my back I've heard it a couple of times but um, I don't think that I really give anyone any shit when they don't deserve it. Like that's fair. If they fucking deserve it, then it's coming towards them. Sometimes I feel guilty about it, like I'll feel guilty later about it, but most of the time I don't, because you fucking deserved it and like yeah, sometimes it is excessive and I'll apologize by like buying them lunch.

Shellbz:

I'm so sorry here, have this food I have learned, though, to voice when I'm pissed off or like where I'm getting to that point I'm like I need to walk away, or I'm gonna say some shit and I'm gonna hurt some feelings, and it's not gonna be good for anybody, so we're just gonna let it be where it's at. I never used to do that. It would just fucking come out. But it's usually the people that deserve it as well yeah, I'm still in the.

Steph:

It just fucking comes out stage. I don't think I'll ever get to the. Let me just take a breather real quick and I'll come back to you. I'm not that person, I'm the fucking psycho you've grown so much no, it could happen. No, no, not on this. Not on this, I'll be fucking crazy for the rest of my life oh, I love you anyway yeah, yeah, I love you too. I missed your ass I miss you too.

Shellbz:

It's been too long. I know you have so many new tattoos, only a couple, I think one, two, maybe two no, that's not true got my whole chest done. I don't think I had that when I was here last time. Maybe I did.

Steph:

Thank you. We're looking at new tattoos right now yeah, what are they? So gay, so gay. Now I need to know yeah, we're gonna get like a heart with like an ekg symbol okay and then we're gonna put um the coordinates of this house, because this is where we met.

Shellbz:

That's cute as fuck.

Steph:

I know it's adorable, it's adorable.

Shellbz:

It is super gay, but it's so cute, super gay, I love it.

Steph:

I know it's the equivalent of getting your name tattooed on me, which I would do on my forehead, that's fair.

Shellbz:

I told my girlfriend. I was like I'm never getting your name on me and you're never getting mine, but we can do anything else, okay. So okay, when we did the matching tattoos, she got lover girl and I got lover boy I saw them on facebook. I'm very proud of you yeah, I went in there terrified actually, because I never wanted actual face tattoos. Yeah, uh, from one she's like do you not want to do it?

Shellbz:

I said that's not what I said what I said was is that I'm nervous to get one on my fucking face right, because I can't take that off right, it's on there forever. If it looks like shit, I either cover it with something bigger and hope for the best, or, if you fucking leave me, you better fillet that shit off your face, because that's fucked up.

Steph:

You're not going with that.

Shellbz:

But anyway.

Steph:

I feel like it's fair, though, because you got lover girl and lover boy Right, so you could you could sport that yeah.

Shellbz:

Yeah, it would be fine. We're not. That's not going to happen, though.

Steph:

No, I'm going to worry about it. I ain't putting that shit in the universe. Not going to happen. No, no, thank you.

Shellbz:

She's fucking great, she's good, she's good to me and for the first time ever. So we didn't like fight or anything, we just like had a misunderstanding no-transcript for feeling like a jackass because I didn't hug her back. You don't realize how much shit isn't healed until you realize it in the moment. And like we've talked about that too. Like there's been a few times where she's like I don't know, I don't know if we can do this. You deserve better. And I'm like that's not true. We just have to heal each other. That's what it's supposed to be. Is you help each other through the shit that you didn't know you needed help with?

Shellbz:

And I think we've both realized a lot about ourselves. Like there's times where she's like worried that I'm going the house. I was like, yeah, it's fine. She's like, no, never mind, I'll go get it. I was like, no, just sit down, it's fine, let me handle this, you don't have to worry, I'm not gonna get pissed off, it's okay. So it's just crazy, like the little things that you don't recognize in the shitty relationship in that moment that greatly affect you later. So it's been, it's been interesting, learned a hell of a lot, but I feel like it's pretty healthy. We communicate pretty well. Nobody yells at each other. We don't like shut each other out. We talk about shit, regardless of if we think it's going to upset the other one we usually start off with I don't want to offend you, or I'm afraid you're going to get upset, which is a terrible way to start any conversation. But it's been good. It's been real good, so I'm going to need to stick around.

Steph:

Yeah, yeah, I'm going to need to stick around too, so if not, I will kick your ass. No, kelly and I haven't fought. We don't really fight, except over who pays for things. That's never a bad thing though.

Steph:

No, yeah, I agree, I think communication is key, Like communicating what you're feeling, what's happening like in that moment, is incredibly important and I've always wanted somebody that could communicate with me in that way or that I could communicate with them, because I always felt like if I said something, if I say this out loud, right, then it's real right, then it's out there and then you can take it and you can twist it and you can judge it. So, yeah, but I think that in some way or somehow I don't know how it happened Just like from the moment that I met her, I was always like you know what?

Shellbz:

This is who I am Like here it is so much easier to lay out all the bullshit ahead of time.

Steph:

Let me just tell you everything right now. I'm going to drop it right in front of you and you want to take it and you want to judge it, that's fine.

Shellbz:

But this is what it is. Here's the short version of all of the things I am. If you like it, great.

Steph:

If you don't like any of those things, you should probably tell me now well, it's also very helpful that kelly thinks that all the things that are annoying about me are cute same same, like there's certain things that I have said the same thing.

Shellbz:

I'm like I hope this doesn't irritate the hell out of you. She's like no, I love it. I'm like what? Are you sure? She reassures me every time I know it's fucked up, isn't it? It is fucked up.

Steph:

I don't know, I'm so used to like trauma that I'm just like give it to me, like hit me with it hard, are?

Shellbz:

you going to yell at me right now Because yeah, no, it's been.

Steph:

I'm prepared. I'm prepared. I'm prepared for you to like fuck up my world right now. It's okay.

Shellbz:

I'm so grateful the process of all of the bullshit sucked, but I'm so grateful for it all at the same time, because I don't think I would have learned a fucking thing about myself had I not went through it.

Steph:

I'm not grateful. Hated it Uh-huh, hated every second of it. I didn't enjoy it. No, I yeah. I think like regret is real in my life, like I could have, like I just I could have dealt with not going through that and I think I would have been just fine. I think I'd have a lot less trauma and be a lot better person overall do you think so?

Steph:

yeah, absolutely percent. Like there are things that have happened to me that like, oh my God, it has changed me in an insurmountable way, and I'm still like trying, I still try to acknowledge like those things that are happening. Like, okay, I'm going to give you an example and, baby, I know you're behind me but I need you not to listen to this but yeah, so, like the, the cheating, like the cheat, like God damn, god damn. Like I went psycho. Okay, I went crazy psycho on my own, just not even saying anything about anything. Like I went crazy psycho because one of Kelly's ex-girlfriends blocked me on Facebook, right, and I'm like for one. How do I know that she blocked me, right? How do I know?

Shellbz:

Well, we all know how I know.

Steph:

So she blocked me on Facebook. And then I'm like, oh my God, she blocked me so that she can communicate with me, and I can't see it, right, I can't see that, right. So then I went on another Facebook page that I'm the admin on. I can go look at the other things, right? And I went fucking psycho. I went deep. I went deep, deep into this and I'm like like about maybe halfway through, probably a little more than halfway through, I'm like what the fuck are you doing? What are you doing? You are being crazy right now, like you're being actual crazy.

Steph:

Oh, by that, that time it was time for me to leave work, right. So I come home and I walk in the door and I'm like starting to make dinner and I'm like I have to tell you something. I gotta be completely honest about this, because the only way I can do this. I'm so sorry, what's wrong with me?

Steph:

But this is what I did and this is like everything you know, and like I laid it all out, like all my fucking crazy. Like, yep, yeah, I fucking went deep, I can't undo it. No, so sorry, no, I can't, I can't undo it, but like that, I wish that I didn't have that like that fucking crazy, like I wish I didn't have that crazy. That's fair. But and I like started thinking back and I'm like this, never like this would never like be a thing like like you know, two relationships ago this would not have been a thing, like I wouldn't have given a shit about any of this, but apparently right now, yeah, I, I care, like I give a shit, like I, I went deep but you talked to her about it yeah, absolutely, because I'm crazy and I'm assuming that that helps with reassurance.

Shellbz:

Of course it did. And then you have to talk through the shit, and that's the fun part.

Steph:

She laughed at me just a little bit about how crazy I did go. It could have been worse, it could have been.

Shellbz:

It could have been so much worse.

Steph:

I mean, how could?

Shellbz:

it.

Steph:

I mean, you didn't go find this girl?

Shellbz:

no, uh-uh, well, I'm not that crazy. See, that's what I'm saying. It could have been worse.

Steph:

Oh, I mean so you didn't do that. I'm saying crazy, just you know, little crazy scene but I mean, at least you also admit it and you talked through it we did, we did, and that was really like helpful for me too, like like putting it all out there, because I'm like holy shit, like you've just gone psycho for a little bit. So now you need to admit what you've done and you need to tell her, because she is not a bad person, I feel like in my brain space.

Shellbz:

I see you standing in the kitchen facing like a stove or something and you just fucking drop it and you turn around and you're just like I need to talk to you. I was almost to the T exactly what happened Super dramatized, I have to tell you this is what I've done.

Steph:

I'm so sorry. Okay, we are going to cut it off right there, but don't worry, part two is coming very, very soon, we promise. But in the meantime, if you could head on over to our website, lizcommunicatecom, join our discord and that way you can chat with us in real time. You can send us an email, you can follow us on our socials and please don't forget to like, follow, share on whatever app you're currently using. Also, if we're not on your favorite player, please let us know so we can fix that. I want to thank you guys so much for listening.

Shellbz:

There's just one more thing I'm shelby and this is steph bitch. I love you. I love you too. Aww, I'm glad that you brought up that little voice inside your head. It's like your own fucking voice. Oh yeah, but you're having a whole-ass conversation in there.

Steph:

Oh fuck yeah. You can't suppress that little fucker in there. You really can't.

Shellbz:

Yes, Okay, so the what thing? The intro. Oh, why don't you just snip it from the other one? I'll just, you don't have to look at this part.

Steph:

You know what? Look at me, I'll look at you. I haven't seen your pretty face for a. I know I miss your ass.

Shellbz:

I miss you. Stay with it. Oh, the beer's up. I put better when taking a laptop. I love you. I hope things don't take away. Raindrops fall like the case. Yeah, yeah, better than this. I rejected her. You know how fucking dumb I feel now? Real dumb, really stupid. That was terrifying. However, I think it needed to happen so that we could both make some difficult but mature decisions and go about things the right way. And then there was no questioning previous situations anymore. And then, look, it doesn't change the fact that I feel real fucking dumb when I'm in charge of the boss. She even told me she was literally the boss.

Steph:

Which made me so much, so sorry, I'm going to go to the gym, so stupid. Hey there, and welcome to West Communicating the podcast, where we're in chaos, deep conversations, where your host, steph and Shelby brainwashed, the real talk and probably a few overshares. Whether you're tough, chaotic or just here for the jokes, you're in the right place. Let's get into it. I know that was so good. I know it's good. I'm still trying to do something as you should. Okay, alright, so let's get into it. That was great. I know that was so good. I know I'm really proud of myself for that, as you should. Okay, all right, so let's get into it. Fucking nothing, actually, that's what we're doing. You're in love, I am. You got that. I got you. We did do that. Yeah, zero orders real fucking quick. Thank you.

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