Love and Insecurities Pt. 2

Have you ever found yourself caught between the exhilaration of new love and the whispers of your past trauma? In this deeply personal episode, Steph and Shellbz pull back the curtain on what happens when you find someone who loves you exactly as you are—anxieties, insecurities, and all.

The conversation explores that maddening internal voice that tells us we're not enough, with Steph admitting, "I try to convince myself 'you're hot, you're successful, you're a fucking catch'... but my brain doesn't let me think that way." Both hosts share how they've struggled to be vulnerable after relationships where their feelings were dismissed or belittled. The breakthrough comes in finding partners who respond to vulnerability not with judgment but with acceptance: "Just tell me what I need to do."

Perhaps most compelling is their exploration of finding love when you've stopped looking for it. Shellbz confesses, "I never planned on being in a relationship. I was good with being alone," while Steph describes her failed attempt at entering "ho phase" before falling unexpectedly in love. They discuss the significance of merging lives and giving up individual "safe spaces" when moving in together—a particularly profound step for those who've experienced relationship trauma.

The hosts also tackle the well-meaning but sometimes frustrating advice from friends to "slow down" in new relationships. Their message is clear: while caution is understandable, sometimes your heart knows what others can't see. As Steph puts it, "Once I decide to do something, I'm not going to take anyone else's opinion into consideration. You either get on board or get the fuck out of my way."

Join us for this raw, honest conversation about learning to trust again, the courage to be vulnerable, and the indescribable joy of finding someone who makes you feel seen, heard, and cherished. Connect with us at lezcommunicate.com, join our Discord community, or email us at queers@lezcommunicate.com.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Let's Communicate
• 4:41 Insecurities and Mental Health
• 7:38 Learning to Be Vulnerable
• 10:48 Moving In Together
• 19:02 When Friends Say "Slow Down"
• 22:35 Breaking Free from Toxic Relationships

Transcript

Steph: 0:07

Welcome to let's Communicate, the podcast, where queerness needs chaos, honesty needs hilarity and nothing is off limits. I'm your host, steph, and I'm here with my bestie, shelby, and we are diving headfirst into relationships, hot takes and all the things we definitely shouldn't be saying out loud. So grab your Red Bull or your cocktail and let's communicate.

Shellbz: 0:33

I've been trying to avoid knowing certain exes and stuff, but I also I don't know I haven't. She's been so honest with me about who she talks to and like who they are to her that I haven't felt too bad about it. And I also told her I was like I'm super secure with myself for the most part. Obviously, there will be things that irritate me or make me feel insecure at some point, but, like when it comes to other people, I'm not like super concerned.

Steph: 0:58

I wish I had the same confidence. I am not secure. It's taken a lot, though.

Shellbz: 1:02

You know, I don't know. I think I don't know how I got to that point. I think I just had to tell myself that I was better than what everybody else made me out to be. She tells me all the time how great I am and that she is amazed by me every day, and that's that and everything. And she's super cute and gay about shit all the time. I'm sure there will come a moment. You know, like we went out to, we went to adult prom and there was a fucking dude staring at her. Every fucking time I looked over, this motherfucker was looking at her. I don't know that I felt insecure, I just felt pissed Like oh, I felt that like internal pissed all the time.

Steph: 1:35

I'm like get the fuck away.

Shellbz: 1:38

You don't need to look at anything. Ok, you don't have to be looking, don't stare. Pass her by. Fine, you don't have to be looking, don't stare Pass her by Fine.

Steph: 1:48

You don't need to keep fucking turning your head all the way around. Stop it, I don't know. You guys went to adult prom.

Shellbz: 1:51

We did that's okay, it is pretty gay. It was at a small bar, it wasn't anything crazy, but we had a good time. Good, and we looked super cute. Of course you did.

Steph: 2:06

Yeah, I don't good, I think I have insecurities all the time. Like I try to like quell them, I try to like push them down and convince myself like no, you're hot, like you're you, you are it, you are successful, you're hot, you are a fucking catch. Like I say that mantra to myself all the time in the mirror right, but no my brain doesn't let me think that way.

Shellbz: 2:31

That's why I'm on all kinds of crazy mess. I feel that I will say that I do get insecure about being vulnerable, because any other time I had in past relationships I was made to feel fucking stupid or I'd get told well, you're the person that controls your brain. Like you can fix it, bitch I can't control your own feelings.

Steph: 2:45

I can't.

Shellbz: 2:45

Actually that's a problem I have all right. Or if you come home in a bad fucking mood, you know, and then you want to talk about it, it was always like what's your fucking problem? You're really shitty to be around when you're like that or things like that. So why the fuck would I want to tell anybody, but I don't. That's not true. I'm hesitant when it comes to telling her. I tell her, but I'm hesitant. I get freaked out. But then I have to tell myself okay, well, if she doesn't like that about you, then that's just the way it is. There's nothing you can do about it.

Steph: 3:09

And you fucking move on. No, that's exactly how I feel too, like I had to like give up my.

Shellbz: 3:26

I had to give up. Like the, the, my that like voice inside your head.

Steph: 3:27

That's like nope, if you say this, they're gonna da, da, da, da, da. Like I had to give that up. Not easy, you know what, I'm too fucking old for this. So I'm just gonna say this, because this is exactly who I am. Yeah, and like this, this is exactly what happens.

Shellbz: 3:36

Oh and it's. I'm glad that you brought up that little voice inside your head. It's like your own fucking voice, oh yeah, but you're having a whole ass conversation in there and it's not a good time.

Shellbz: 3:44

You can't suppress that little fucker and you really can't and I had told her one day I was like sometimes the thoughts in my brain space it's just me talking to myself like I don't hear voices or anything. But it gets the best of me frequently and then I just have to have a fucking down couple days and I'm in my feelings and I just need to be needy and I need you to fucking baby me and then I'll be fine and she's like well, just tell me what I need to do. What kind of response is that? The perfect one, really. But that was the biggest thing that I was worried about is like my anxiety and my depression kicks in once in a while and you brought up that little voice thing and that's dumb as fuck, but it's there. But I've never really like acknowledged that to anybody else.

Steph: 4:21

Yeah, no, I mean, I think that little voice inside your head is a fucking bitch. Like I wish I could kick his ass, but I just don't.

Shellbz: 4:29

It's a whole dick.

Steph: 4:30

I know You're for it, thanks, yeah, no problem. But yeah, I mean I hate it. I hate it. I hate the way that I act sometimes, I hate the way that my brain thinks sometimes. And then I also hate, like the thing that I was most afraid of, like when, when we first started dating, was like, ok, well, I'm not going to. Like, I'm not going to pretend that I'm OK anymore, like I can't do that anymore, like I can't pretend that I'm fine. Yeah, I can't pretend that I'm fine, because I tried pretending I'm fine and it doesn't work.

Shellbz: 5:02

No, it makes things so much worse.

Steph: 5:04

Yeah, it really does. It's fucked up. It makes things so much worse than they actually are. But you know, just OK. Yes, I know Like I know this sounds crazy, I know this sounds whatever, but she just makes me feel like it's OK. Like that I seem crazy right now, like it's okay. Like it's okay and I understand why you thought that way. Like I get that and I'm going to have a huge ass chuckle and a huge ass laugh about why you've done this, but I'm not going to freak out on you because you did this, or make you feel like shit for it, exactly, exactly.

Steph: 5:38

I mean I think that was like the big like turning point for me is like, okay, I can't not be honest, because like that's just like, even if I try and hide it, my face will not hide it like the subtitles come right out exactly exactly like I could try and hide this and I could try and like silently be pissed off for like an extended period of time, but everyone's gonna know I'm, and it's also exhausting, oh trying to pretend so tired and I like I just can't do it anymore.

Steph: 6:06

I can't either. I did it way too long.

Shellbz: 6:09

And, like the she brought this up, she's like how do people not know when you're feeling this way and I'm like you know, I couldn't tell you, like people just have never cared or paid enough attention, but she notices immediately. I think it just really takes the right person and I feel like such an asshole because she's so fucking perfect right, she's perfect for me, all right. Yeah, but I straight up told her one day. I said I never planned on being in a relationship. I was to the point where I was good with being alone and just me and my kid and just doing my thing and whatever I said. I didn't even want to date anybody locally. I didn't want to fuck anybody locally.

Shellbz: 6:43

I didn't want to do any of those things and she's like well, I'm local, why me? I was like I don't fucking know, I felt flat on my fucking face for you. I don't know. I tried, I was like I legitimately thought you just wanted to fuck me and that was going to be it. So I just went in with that mindset. But here we are, and I feel like a dick saying that out loud, but that was my thought process.

Steph: 7:04

I don't think that's like a bad thing, like like so. No, I did not think that same way, because, you know, right, queen of relationships, but I always like, wanted, like I just wanted somebody that would, like I don't know just be there for me. Can you just please like it, just try.

Shellbz: 7:22

Can you just like me and like, support me and validate me.

Steph: 7:26

That's. But I do feel like a lot of people like go into that, thinking that same thing, like nope, done with relationships, done with it, I'm over it, I'm not going to deal with this anymore.

Shellbz: 7:38

And then boom, you find your person it's fucking wild because I did try, like the relationship thing, but you know the one where I was a secret for fucking ever yeah, I don't know.

Shellbz: 7:47

And I she's like, why did you keep talking to me? And I was like I, I don't know, I was drawn to you. I couldn't not talk to you. Then, like when she was with her ex, I respected the boundary Right, but I also went out of my way to like snap her or send her a text message here and there, but I was respectful still, right, but I could not stay away from her at all and there's not been a person like that in a very long time that I would like go out of my way to talk to or see or whatever. I didn't care what it was, but I was really happy that it happened completely out of nowhere. Everything was organic. Nobody was like here, go on a date with this person, right, like you didn't match on anything. It was just like I didn't go out of my way to find it, it just happened, which was really nice, because I feel like every time I went out of my way, shit backfired real fast did every time. Sometimes you get ghosted.

Steph: 8:41

Sorry, I had to no, I think we were destined to be best friends, like that's just I agree 100%.

Steph: 8:51

But no, like when I first met Kelly, everyone was just too soon, too soon, not good. Jill went on our first date together with us to be chaperone, yeah, and I did everything I possibly could. I'm just like you know what. No, I'm not. I'm not doing this Like I'm going to go into ho phase, like I'm doing ho phase. I'm going to go ho. Like I'm going to go into ho phase, like I'm doing ho phase. I'm going to go ho phase. You're going to try it. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, what do you mean? Try it Like I've already tried ho phase, like I've been ho phase for a while.

Steph: 9:22

I meant, like you said, you wanted your person, I wanted ho phase yeah, I do want my person, like usually when I end a relationship, when I officially end a relationship, ho phase happens.

Shellbz: 9:35

They said you just sleep with them once, because if it's more than once then you get catch feelings.

Steph: 9:39

I don't want to catch feelings. Yeah, fuck those we don't want those feelings. I'm not down for feelings right now, but no, I think, after, like we talked a lot and honestly, like fucking eyes, like those eyes it felt, like those eyes were like staring into my soul. I'm like fuck, I'm in trouble.

Shellbz: 10:01

You felt it in your core.

Steph: 10:03

I'm in trouble, you knew, but yeah, that's the best feeling ever, though. It is such a good feeling. It's such a good feeling.

Shellbz: 10:10

And I have another question for you, because it's on my brain space. Okay, did anybody tell you to slow down?

Steph: 10:16

Yes.

Shellbz: 10:18

Okay, how did you react to that? Fuck off, all right. Great, because I would just tell people that I was like smitten over this girl and they're like you need to slow down, you need to be careful, whatever, and I'm like I think I told you to be careful too.

Shellbz: 10:32

You did tell me to be careful and I've been trying to be mindful of everything and like, not overthink things or like, but she hasn't even given me a reason to like, think anything negative and also I just fucking went through all that bullshit. Do you really think I'm not going to be like, paying attention? You know what I mean? I'm like we both have our safe spaces right now, our own places, and we're both going to give that up. Yep, it's not like one of us is going to the other and then have to worry about, like, where we're going to go or whatever. Like we're both giving up our safe space Right. And actually I haven't told anybody, except for my parents and one of my friends, that we're going to live together. So that'll be interesting.

Steph: 11:10

Yeah, that'll be fun for you.

Shellbz: 11:11

Yeah, but I don't. Probably three people were like you need to slow down, you need to just be careful. I don't want you to, you know, buy her things and then her just get used to that and like, use you or anything. I'm like she gives me more than I have ever given her. I don't go out of my way, but she knows that I don't have money right now, like she knows what I just went through.

Steph: 11:37

She doesn't expect anything from me. I get it Like I understand. Were you offended at all? Like when somebody told you that I was slightly offended just because, like trust me. But then, but at the same time, like I don't even think I trusted myself at that point and like all the way, like when. So when Kelly was like moving her stuff, like coming in right, like all. So when Kelly was moving her stuff coming in right, all I kept thinking about is how I was on the opposite side of this, because Kelsey is the first person that has ever moved in to my house, this house. And even when I got married, even when I was married, I did not give up this house. I did not move my stuff out of here. I kept it basically as my safe space, as my you know shit's going to go wrong.

Steph: 12:18

I know shit's going to go wrong, so this is my space, this is the area that I'm in. So, like I had a lot of like trauma around. Like we were trying to like move Kelly stuff. Like I wanted it like as fast as possible in here, like get it as fast as quickly, like as quick, so you can't change your mind. You can't like there is no backup plan, like I don't have a backup plan with you, so I don't want you to have a backup plan with me. But like at the same time I was like okay, well, you need to like respect the fact that like she may have a backup plan, like she may want a backup plan, and you can't be angry with that, because every relationship you've ever been in you've had a backup plan You've had like a place that you can go to, that is safe and is yours.

Shellbz: 13:05

And now she does not.

Steph: 13:07

Yeah, exactly Now, she doesn't. Well, I mean, we put her name on the deed too. So I was like I'm like I have to give her. Like I like I've got to like show her that like this is your backup plan, like this is you If, if shit goes wrong, if shit like goes sideways, I'll buy you out of it? This is what we're going to do. Yeah, I mean like I was very, very worried and I remember like like last weekend we were finishing like the rest of it or whatever, and I was like taking pictures. I'm like end of an era, end of an era. I wonder if she's just like panicking internally inside. Yeah, no, I asked like 500 times.

Shellbz: 13:44

Yeah, I'll probably do the same, because I know that Chelsea is terrified Because she's been in the same space for six years and taking care of everything by herself. And just she's like, if I leave this, I can't get this again. Right, you can't have it back. Yeah, and like her rent is super cheap in comparison to everywhere else right now. And I was like I understand. I was like if you're not ready for that, we don't have to do that now. Right, you know, like I understand, because I'm also giving up a very nice house not cheap rent, but it's a nice place and it's mine. So I don't know, but we're going to move forward anyways because we have talked about it and that's what feels good.

Shellbz: 14:23

But I was slightly offended when somebody three, somebody's told me to slow the fuck down and to like do this, that and the other thing, or wait this long or wait that long. I also understand that they're like protective, right, I get that looking out for you and I respect that and I adore that. But also I I don't like that. Everybody assumes the worst, almost compares, you know, without even knowing her, or like our relationship, or like the way that we are with one another. So I was just curious if you encountered that at all.

Steph: 14:54

Yeah, absolutely Like a lot, a lot. But I also like I don't know, like I'm just, I don't. Once I decide to do something like I'm not yeah, I'm not going to take anyone else's opinion into consideration at all and you either get on board or get the fuck out of my way.

Shellbz: 15:15

Because it's going to happen anyway.

Steph: 15:16

Yeah, it is. But like I think that, especially like when I was asking you, I'm just like you know, be careful, like be careful when you're doing this, but you weren't rude about it, no, I just want to make sure that you're okay and I understand that, like what they were saying was coming from like a place of good.

Shellbz: 15:35

Oh, for sure.

Steph: 15:37

But at the same time, like I know what's happening and I'm going to make my own mistakes, so it's a mistake. Like I'll own it and it is what it is, but I don't think it is.

Shellbz: 15:46

Well and to like Promise yourself that you're not going to put yourself in the same situation. I can't do that again. You know, like I know that I can't. I can't. One, I can't afford to and two, my mental health could not tolerate it. No, and I never fucking want to be in that position ever again. But I did tell one person. I'm like you know I understand that you're like looking out for me, but having something positive to say about something that feels so good to me would be nice, instead of jumping right into negative thoughts and feeling like this is going to go downhill super fucking fast. Some sort of positivity. I need that from you right now. I'm so happy for you, but have you thought about this, that and the other thing Just make sure you're mindful rather than maybe don't do that. That's a terrible idea. What I wouldn't even let anybody close to me. And then now I actually have feelings for somebody who's good to me. Please don't, don't do that. That's a bad idea. It was offensive a little bit.

Steph: 16:39

Yeah.

Shellbz: 16:39

You know. But again I understand where they were coming from. I think their heart was in the right place. The words just sucked.

Steph: 16:45

I do appreciate, like I do love the fact that, like you were like this push off, like you were a fuck boy, shelby yeah. So, yeah, I appreciate the fact that you were a fuck boy, but you have now like transformed yourself I know, look at me go good old family queer I know, love that.

Shellbz: 17:04

I love it so fucking much actually. I actually just told her I think it was last night I was like I used to be a fuck boy, said I went through the fuck boy phase twice once before I got married, the first time and the second time before I get married again. Look at that. So she's like I don't see fuck boy from you.

Steph: 17:21

Well, I was wait till I have a conversation you can share all the dirt you want.

Shellbz: 17:25

I'm sure she'll love it and then, you know, joke about it later. So I'm here for it, yeah, but she doesn't. I think it helps that I've been honest from the beginning. Yeah, because I rejected her the first time. You know how fucking dumb I feel now Real dumb, real stupid. That was a terrible idea. However, I think it needed to happen so that we could both make some difficult but mature decisions and go about things the right way, and then there was no questioning previous situations anymore, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel real fucking dumb that I rejected her the first time. She even told me she was really bummed, which made me feel worse. I was like I'm so sorry, but I was honest and I told her that I was trying to do some other shit, and she's like I actually think I respected you more because you told me that, instead of just blowing me off.

Steph: 18:17

Because you didn't ghost her. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, I didn't do that, fuck you people don't forget.

Shellbz: 18:22

It's okay. I was heartbroken for a night, it's all right you were heartbroken for like 30 minutes.

Steph: 18:26

It was longer than 30 minutes.

Shellbz: 18:28

I told at least three friends that you ghosted me.

Steph: 18:31

Okay, it's fine, it's fine told I mean, fuck, I don't even know what was like. I think like during that time period in my life like I was so like I wanted to make it work so badly. I feel, that so fucking badly and honestly I think that like a lot of that was, you know, kiddos like yeah, I wanted, I wanted that to work. So so fucking badly and it took so much for me to realize that that relationship was so fucking toxic it was bad so fucking toxic.

Steph: 19:06

I don't think I and this so fucking toxic. I don't think I and this is saying a lot I don't think I've ever been with someone that is more fucking toxic than that person. Jesus, like I completely lost myself, fuck. Like even my friends are like get the fuck away from this. I'm like what are you doing?

Shellbz: 19:23

You just came out of like this terrible marriage and then you jumped into this terrible relationship and now we're just like losing you like, yeah, I think we just go, not anymore, but I think we would just go to the next familiar thing.

Steph: 19:37

Yeah, yeah, and only it was fucking worse yeah it did just progressively got terrible, yeah, more terrible.

Shellbz: 19:43

And then now I know that you are with somebody who is very different from the rest. Jesus Christ On all levels Completely different and fucking same. Like there's so many things that I'm like what is happening? I don't even know what to do with that shit.

Steph: 19:55

Sometimes I don't know what to do. I like try, so like on my TikTok and on everything you know. I started this like healing journey at the beginning of this year. I don't even know what to say anymore because I'm so fucking happy, right, this is like uh it just feels good update like 30 days later because I'm going to say the same thing. I'm so fucking happy.

Shellbz: 20:18

I don't know what to do with myself and, honestly, there's nothing fucking wrong with that I know, I know there's absolutely nothing wrong with that I just go about my life smiling all the time.

Steph: 20:27

Now people are like what's wrong with you?

Shellbz: 20:29

enjoy this while you have it, because pretty soon you're gonna make a mistake and I'm gonna fucking that's why I'm like so irritated about today, because I have no fucking reason to be on some sad shit literally none.

Steph: 20:42

It just fucking happens since we're just sad, though it just happens Like you can just be sad.

Shellbz: 20:47

But I feel a lot better after coming here and talking and hanging out and whatever. So that's nice.

Steph: 20:51

Yeah, it's like therapy, except for free.

Shellbz: 20:53

Right, for real. I love it. I needed it, actually Feels good.

Steph: 20:58

I love it Okay, we should. Cut off time yeah, we gotta wrap because you have to I have to go get my tiny kiddos. Okay, so we're gonna wrap. Yep, that's it. Wait, I don't know how to wrap bitch, I love you bitch, I fucking love you.

Steph: 21:12

All right, all right, I'm cutting it. I'm cutting it and it's done, and it's done. Okay, that is a wrap for this episode of Liz Communicate. We want to remind you to visit our website at lizcommunicatecom. From there, you can join our Discord and you can chat with us in real time. Send us an email at queersatlizcommunicatecom. You can follow our social media sites. Visit our store. Don't forget to like, follow, share on whatever app you're currently using. It really helps us out. Thank you all so much for listening. Just one more thing we gotta do.

Shellbz: 21:53

I'm Shelby and this is Steph Bitch I love you. I've seen the fuckboy face twice, once before I got married, the first time and the second time before I get married again. Look at that. So she's like I don't see you fuckboy for me I was. You can share all the certain lies on social media.

Steph: 22:41

And then, you know, joke about it later. I wanted that to work so, so fucking badly, and it took so much for me to realize that that relationship was so fucking toxic, so fucking toxic. I don't think I've ever been in the same lot. I don't think I've ever been with someone that is more fucking toxic than them. Jesus, like I completely lost myself. Fuck. Like even my friends are like get the fuck away from this girl. I'm like what are you doing? You just came out of like this terrible marriage and then you jumped into this terrible relationship and now we're just like losing you. Like I think we just go, not anymore, but I think we would just go to the next program.

Steph: 23:40

I tried to like. I tried to like quote them. I tried to like push them down and convince myself no, you're fine, like, you're good, you are it, you are successful, you're fine, you are fucking fine. I never, never turned to myself. I never tried to hit the mirror right, but no, my brain's in one. That's why I'm on all kinds of craziness. That whole thing is crazy fast. I was slightly offended when somebody told me to slow the fuck down and to like do this, that and the other thing and wait this long, wait that long. I also understand that they're like right, I get that and I respect that and I adore them, but also I don't like that. Everybody is the worst most come here. I was just curious if you encountered that at all. Thank you.