LezCommunicate
LezCommunicate is the unfiltered, heartfelt, and hilarious podcast where Shellbz and Steph dive deep into the highs and lows of life, love, and everything in between. From navigating relationships to surviving heartbreak, healing from the hard stuff, and celebrating queer joy, these two bring their authentic selves to the mic.
Whether they’re spilling the tea, sharing lessons learned, or laughing through the chaos, you’ll feel like you’re catching up with your closest friends. Tune in for raw conversations, relatable stories, and a space where every emotion is valid.
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lezcommunicate.com
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queers@lezcommunicate.com
LezCommunicate
Your Love Language is Avoidance Part 1
Ever catch yourself doom-scrolling until 3AM after a breakup? Or suddenly becoming a workaholic when your heart gets broken? You're not alone.
Steph and Shellbz pull back the curtain on the coping mechanisms we develop after relationships end – those unhealthy healing habits we don't even recognize until we're in a better place. From self-isolation to overworking to what they bluntly call "becoming a whore," the hosts share their personal experiences with disarming honesty and plenty of laugh-out-loud moments.
"If I don't know what you went through and the things that bother you and trigger you, I can't fix the things that I'm doing that are upsetting you," Shellbz explains, highlighting why talking about past relationships with current partners is so crucial, even when it's uncomfortable.
The conversation weaves through anxiety medications, finding partners who create safe spaces for vulnerability, and the freedom that comes from acknowledging both the good and bad from previous relationships. You'll find yourself nodding along as they describe the subtle ways we avoid processing emotional pain and how communication becomes the ultimate antidote.
Whether you're healing from heartbreak or building a healthier relationship now, this episode offers both comfort and clarity. Because sometimes the most unhealthy thing we do is pretend we're taking time for ourselves when we're actually running from our feelings.
Join our Discord at lezcommunicate.com to continue the conversation. Don't forget to like, follow, and share wherever you get your podcasts!
Visit our Website
lezcommunicate.com
Connect with us on Discord
https://discord.gg/S75b4aNHvk
Connect with us via email
queers@lezcommunicate.com
Welcome to let's Communicate, the podcast, where queerness needs chaos, honesty needs hilarity and nothing is off limits. I'm your host, steph, and I'm here with my bestie, shelby, and we are diving headfirst into relationships, hot takes and all the things we definitely shouldn't be saying out loud. So grab your Red Bull or your cocktail and let's communicate. Okay, all right, so we're doing unhealthy healing habits and discussing your past relationships with your current partner? Okay, yes.
Speaker 2:I think those are good, good topics. I actually had that conversation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, fuck Jesus, they're terrible.
Speaker 2:They're not easy to have and I feel like if you can't do that, it's probably not. You don't feel safe, I would assume.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I talk about him a lot. I do a lot of talking about my past relationships with Kelly, a lot of talking about it, but part of that's my therapy too. But yeah, kelly doesn't really talk too much about it. She gave me a general overview, but after that really nothing, which is very strange for me.
Speaker 2:It's like okay, oh, and I don't know, maybe things with her exes weren't super awful either. I don't know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she said that they were bad, just not as bad as mine.
Speaker 2:I mean that doesn't mean she can't talk about them.
Speaker 1:I know that's what I said too.
Speaker 2:I always tell Chelsea I'm like, if I don't know what you went through and like the things that bother you and trigger you, I can't fix the things that I'm doing that are upsetting you and I never wanted to apologize for that, because we can't heal through the trauma if we don't know about the trauma.
Speaker 1:That's a fun fact. That is a fact. Also, another fact which I just thought of right now you look sexy as fuck. That new haircut.
Speaker 2:Thank you. I know, I told the girl I was like I need less fuck boy, I need more daddy, and my girlfriend said that she understood the assignment. So there's that, thank you. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Does Chelsea call you daddy, though Sometimes yeah.
Speaker 2:Sometimes she does. I love that.
Speaker 1:I love that for you.
Speaker 2:Sometimes we'll just be out in the middle of nowhere, like in the fucking store, and she'll be like papi. I'm like, okay, I love it, though. I love it it so much. She fucking hypes me up all the time. She gives me like a sort of confidence that I never felt before. I love it so much. I'm serious, you're so gay I love that for you, I know so fucking gay.
Speaker 2:Like yesterday I was feeling insecure, right, because I've got like roles okay and she's like's like I love your chub, okay, and I was like, but what if I get skinny? You're not going to love me anymore. So that made me feel pretty good because you know super insecure about being chunky.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we went kayaking on the 4th of July and I got sunburned on my stomach and I was sitting in a kayak, so you know the rolls.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, so then you have the little white lines.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I've probably got those too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I've been talking shit about myself, yeah, for about a week now, and Kelly's going to kill me?
Speaker 2:Yeah, we can't. I got a herd of elephants up there, yeah, we don't do that.
Speaker 1:No, we try not to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we don't do that. We don't need to do that.
Speaker 1:No, you have to explain these unhealthy healing habits besides drinking, because you know I have that one down.
Speaker 2:So when I did too at one point there's that. So I was referring to things like self-isolation, or that's one of the things that I do, and I know it's not healthy to do that to a certain extent, like trying to think of how to word the other thing, I guess just staying busy, like keeping your brain space occupied so that you don't have to think about the things.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like that's a habit that I acquired when I was married, like I just constantly wanted to be at work, I wanted to keep working, I wanted to be like I wanted to keep working, I wanted to be like going to the fucking grocery store, I wanted to do something, anything other than to face the reality of what was actually happening in front of me and feeling any of that. But I didn't realize that I was doing that until I was in a good headspace and I'm like, why am I so busy? I don to keep my brain space out of a shitty place and I try to catch myself now so like in like self-isolation, I kind of just stop talking to people and I don't want to be around anybody which is not like me. I fucking love people. So that's not it Like I don't want to do that, but things like that.
Speaker 2:I just didn't know if other people have caught themselves in those situations. It took me forever to realize it, that I do it. So now I try to voice that like I need to be around people, I need to be, I need to get out, I need to go do something, I don't care what it is, I just need to people a little bit, because it's not healthy to self-isolate and get caught in your brain space and think all of the shitty things.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, I do that to work, like I will dig deep into work, like go crazy about work. But I was thinking about another one which was, you know, becoming a whore.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm glad you said it, because obviously not anymore, but at a point that was a way to keep myself occupied and stay away from feelings and just not do any of those things. So yes, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:It brings up like a very dark point into your life. I think, like after every relationship, except after my last one, like after my last relationship, I met Kelly right away and then that was just like a godsend to me. But had I not, I definitely would have gone full whore if I would have followed like the trend pattern which was yeah that, yeah, fuck anything I tried, yeah, that I tried so hard to like.
Speaker 2:I even told chelsea the other day and we were talking because I was like I feel like I was a whole fuck boy and I just don't want to be that anymore. I went through that phase twice where I was trying to avoid. I don't think I intentionally did it, but I realized that I was doing it way later. I was trying to avoid seeing people that were like in the area, like I didn't want to. I didn't want anybody to know me through somebody else or like say shitty things about me to the person that I would talk to or whatever. So then she asked me she's like, but I'm local. I said I know, but I couldn't not talk to you like I don't know what it was about you, but I was very drawn to you. And then, I don't know, I fucking met her and it was over from there because I smitten as fuck there's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 2:I'm so happy for you, you guys in your goddamn facebook posts like honestly well, there's more to happen, I'm sure yeah, a lot more hey, your tiktoks are like the my facebook posts I know I do do a lot of tiktoks yeah, I, I know they're adorable, though they're so cute. They are so cute, they are really cute.
Speaker 1:My phone died the other day so I had to record a TikTok on Kelly's TikTok for the first time. Really, yeah, I'm like this is your first video. It's just me talking because I have to get this out. We were watching the Queer Ultimatum.
Speaker 2:I'm going to start watching that. One thing I do really love, though, is that you can see her opening up more as you make more videos with her yeah, I know, and, like you can just tell she's enjoying it more instead of just existing in the same screen space. Yeah, yeah, I love that so much that you can tell.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she's adorable. When we first like started dating, she's like I'm not doing that, I'm not doing that, I hate my voice. I'm like I love your voice. So look at you now. Yeah, so you're going to talk and you're going to love it, and that's just like.
Speaker 2:I'm not not going to do it and I need you in these. It's going to happen, whether you like it or not.
Speaker 1:I volunteer you. I'm like I changed my username to stuff and Kelly, so you have to be in every video.
Speaker 2:It's a we thing now. Yeah, it's a we, it's a we. There's no individuality, no, no, it's just, it's us, it's we.
Speaker 1:You and me. Yes, that's it. I always wanted that. Like that's. All I ever wanted in life was to have you know joint social media, and now we do look at you.
Speaker 2:It's amazing when you can share things like that with your person, though I agree you know what else I discovered? This is not on the fucking topics that we were talking about. Oh, yeah but I think we've skipped over those now yeah, they can wait.
Speaker 2:But I was talking to chelsea and I said you know, it's fucking wild that like you can fall in love with somebody who is so different, like there's so many similarities but there's so many differences, like entirely. And I absolutely adore it. But we emotionally we work so fucking well. It's just crazy when you look at just face value and see so many differences. Because I even told her one day I said do you ever think you're going to be with a fucking needy, sad boy, emo, queer, or like where did you see yourself? And she's like no, I love it, that's all I've ever wanted. Well, I'm here, I got you now.
Speaker 1:Now we're together.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's gonna be this way forever now yeah, don't, don't even think about it with me. I told her. I was like, if you fucking leave me, I will find you. Don't even think about it, you're fucking stuck with me. I told her. I was like if you fucking leave me, I will find you. I will find you. I tell Kelly that all the time.
Speaker 1:No way I'm like you want to break up. No, Go take a fucking nap. You don't get to break up with me.
Speaker 2:I'm going to lock your ass in my fucking basement and you are mine forever. I don't care if where we're at now, as long as you accept that we're going to be fine, yeah, we'll be fine.
Speaker 1:It's fine, everything's fine, but yeah, I mean, kelly is fantastic. I love kelly, but we are very, very different. She is very much like more introverted than I am.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I am very much she's quiet yeah, yeah, I'm breaking that out, though.
Speaker 1:I mean you can't be with me for very long without, you know, becoming a loud bitch.
Speaker 2:I feel like you guys divide that so well though, Like you were messaging me the other day and you said you weren't doing a fucking thing and you guys are just going to game together.
Speaker 1:And that was just it.
Speaker 2:But then you know you guys go out and you'll go play pool or go do other things together out and about.
Speaker 1:So I think you have a really good happy medium. Yeah, that's. That's. The thing that I like the most is because I think that we're almost like the same fucking person, like she was not a gamer before me, but now I mean she's gaming all the time, like she's a higher level than I am. I'm like, what the fuck? I will catch up, I will catch up, I will catch up.
Speaker 2:It's on now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is. It is very much on. You know, my guns are so much better than yours. I'll show you. But yeah, I just love the fact that, like it's like you know, wake up in the morning and like, decide we're going to do something like, and then we just go do it like there's no. There's no anything about it, like I don't know shit. It's so hard to.
Speaker 2:it's so hard to like put into words. But yeah, we went kayaking yesterday for just a little bit in Mason and, um, like it was so hot, but the water felt so good and I had made the comment. I was like, oh, the water feels so good today. And then, um, she's like, do you want to be in the water? Like, do you think I'm boring? Because I had made the comment and I was like, oh, the water feels so good today. And then she's like, do you want to be in the water? Like, do you think I'm boring? Because I don't want to, and I was like, no, she's like, well, are you sure you wouldn't rather be in the water? I said I don't care what I'm doing, I just want to be around you, I want to be with you. I want't care, I just want to be with you. However that looks yeah.
Speaker 1:I think that's like a clear sign that you found, like your person is, you just want to be in their presence, like you just want to be in their presence all the time, like, yep, we're just going to sit here with you and we're just going to hang out and we're not going to do anything today, or if we're going to do all the things today, yeah I don't give a shit.
Speaker 2:You got a to-do list. Let's fucking do it as long as we're doing it together.
Speaker 1:I don't care what it is Right, we're looking for our next housing project right now. She keeps asking me what I want done and I'm like so many things here. Let me give you my Pinterest board Pinterest board. Okay, back on track.
Speaker 2:What are some more? What do you?
Speaker 1:got what do you got More unhealthy healing habits.
Speaker 2:I think I just know for sure that those are a couple of mine. I probably have other ones, like I don't. I don't acknowledge the things that give me anxiety, like initially until it's too fucking late. So I don't know. I think just avoiding feelings in general, I don't think people realize what they're doing to avoid them, whether it's sitting in fucking doom scrolling all goddamn day or like self-isolation. You sit there and you just binge watch TV. Maybe that's a relaxing thing, or maybe you're avoiding shit, I don't know. I think for everybody it's a little different. But yeah.
Speaker 2:What do now that I say those things out loud, what does that look like for you? Do you have things that you still do that you don't necessarily recognize in the moment?
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely so many things. I don't know All of those. Yeah, watching every single Netflix, I think like probably one of my most unhealthy habits is like, after I get out of like a terrible relationship, I'm always like to all my friends and to everyone around me. I'm like I'm just going to take some time for me.
Speaker 1:And that's a lie. Like that's a lie. No, I'm not. You need to know that. Like, probably tonight I'm going to go to a bar and find something that I shouldn't. I'm going to throw everything into whatever comes next. I don't know. It's like a fucking disaster. I'm a disaster, Do you take?
Speaker 2:time for you now that you're in a healthy relationship. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I do. I mean, look, shelby, we're making a fucking podcast here.
Speaker 2:I know, yeah, you're not wrong. I agree 100%. That was a really stupid question.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I mean yes, absolutely. I take all kinds of time for myself. I like have my own things that I want to do and that I like to do, and you know, she just lets me do them. You know, without question, without hesitation. No, it's like, ok, yeah, go ahead and do that. Then I'm always like checking in though, too. I'm always like I'm like is this OK? Is like how I'm acting okay, like this? Anyways, long story short, I had a meeting with my therapist the other day, right At a therapy session, and I was talking about, like they put me on this new drug.
Speaker 1:I can't remember what it's called. I think it's like Zoloft or Zofran or something, I can't remember, but it made me feel like shit. It made me feel like worthless piece of shit, like. But it made me feel like shit. It made me feel like worthless piece of shit, like, basically, I was just sleeping all the time, right, and it's for anxiety. So it's for, like my anxiety, and I'm like I came. Is it Zoloft? But yeah, I came. I came back to Kelly and I'm like OK, I haven't taken it in three days and I feel so much better. I feel like myself again. Like, yes, I have running anxiety. Yes, I have anxiety, but here's the thing. I don't need a drug for it, I just need to talk to you.
Speaker 1:I just have to be open and honest to you. Like I have to check in. Like, are you hitting up some bitches on Instagram? Like, are you talking to your exes? What's going on?
Speaker 2:I take Prozac and when I don't take it for a few days, I can tell so much Like I'm like it's one of those things that you don't realize that it helps until it's not in your system and I can thankfully like talk to her and be like my anxiety is intense. I have no reason for it, I don't know what's causing it. I just don't know how to fix it and I don't know if I need to up my dose because I've been back on it. For I was gone, I was ran out for like three days and two days is enough for me to be off of it, and then I get all sad boy and in my feelings and fucking baby and all I want to do is cry and sleep. But it's not easy to admit that to anyone, as you know. So having a partner that you can talk to about that is super helpful.
Speaker 1:No, I'm 100% with you on that. I'm like I, so I have plenty of other drugs. This one was added for specifically for, like for my relationship anxiety Right. That's why they added this one. I'm like um, I don't need this, I just need communication is fucking key and that is not.
Speaker 2:that is like it's such a cliche saying, but it is so fucking accurate.
Speaker 1:I know it is insane. I know if you have somebody that you can just talk to and like not feel judged about it, like I don't know, I always, I'm constantly, I constantly apologize to Kelly for like every single thing that I do, everything that I do, but she never makes me feel like that apology is needed. She's always like stop apologizing. But I do, I apologize for everything, because that's what I learned how to do Used to yeah.
Speaker 2:I just need to apologize, you feel like you had to, for everything just needed to fucking fall on you.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:And that's a shitty feeling too, and you don't even realize how fucking bad it is until you're with somebody who's like, why are you doing that? And then you got to talk about it.
Speaker 1:Well, and that was the thing, like when you had sent me those ideas for like the podcast. You know I'm like shit. You know, discussing past relationships, Like how does it? How is it supposed to look like? I'm like, oh shit, I didn't even think about that. I talk about my past relationships all the time and I've never asked Kelly like how she feels about it. But yeah, when I finally did, when I finally like brought it up to her, I'm like, okay, so yay, I talk about this all the time, Like I talk about this constantly and not just the bad things either, like the good things too, and she told me that it was perfectly, it was perfectly fine and she found it like refreshing, almost because I like, because I'm so just blunt about everything yeah, can't help myself but that communication she really, really enjoys that communication just coming through. She's like I've never been with somebody that has just been just lays everything out like you do.
Speaker 2:I'm like okay that could be a good thing or a bad thing, but I think it's so important. You know, like, because I don't know that we talk about everything. Like sometimes things just randomly come up. You know, and I'll explain. Like, I know that I'm like this because and I talk about it and she kind of does the same thing, and it would be ignorant to think that there was never a good time with another person. It would be so ignorant to think that.
Speaker 2:So I'm not even going to ever deny that there wasn't like good things. I just don't talk about them as much because, sadly, the good things didn't have as much of an impact on me as the bad things or anyone. Probably as the bad things that people can be, they can be good, there is good in them, and I think it just depends on who you're with, Because, like, I think that there are people that I was with that brought the fucking worst out in me. So I'm sure that there's plenty of things that others have said. You know bad things about me as well. I'm never going to pretend like I'm fucking perfect Absolutely not. But it almost feels wrong to talk shit all of the time and not mention any of the good things, but then again I also feel kind of bad if I were to bring up a good situation that happened in my current relationship, because I don't ever want her to think that that's something that I missed.
Speaker 2:Right, even though I don't know that she would see it that way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know if she would see it that way, like when, when we talk about the good things in our past relationships are things that were like happy memories, right? Yeah, we talk about it fairly often Like she talks about her ex and I talk about my exes and yeah, I mean we talk about both the good and the bad and I think I do a pretty you know, I'm pretty much. I like to shit on myself a lot, so I'm pretty good at even in the playing board. They're like no, this, you know they, she reacted this way and this way and this way because this is how I was acting at that point in time, like I was definitely not mature here. I didn't, you know, didn't communicate this well or I didn't feel like I was in the moment enough for this this well, or I didn't feel like I was in the moment enough for this.
Speaker 1:But yeah, I mean, I don't know if she would necessarily like take it poorly. I love the fact that Kelly doesn't take it poorly and that we can talk about those, because I mean, you know Kelly before me she was with her ex forever and they came back and got together, came back, you know, broke up, got back together, back and forth, and back and forth, like this person is a huge part of your life and like the stories that you tell and like the things that happened in the past, the main parts that made you, you that person, like, contributed to those good, bad or ugly you know.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:It contributed, so I want to know. I think it would be.
Speaker 2:I truly think now we can tie these two things in together. I think it would be incredibly unhealthy to not acknowledge those things because, like, there was definitely some incredible moments that have taught me so much with other people. There's definitely beautiful moments but, like I said, the bad outweighed the good. Unfortunately, for some of them and for some people, it just didn't work. It wasn't meant Just, you didn't have the chemistry or whatever. So there's definitely things. I think it's hard for people to admit that there was never anything wrong, it just didn't work. So me. But then I also think about the opposite side of that.
Speaker 1:I'm like I wonder what they're telling people right now Because, like, yeah, like this is how that shit went down. That's how I saw it going down. How do you see it going down?
Speaker 2:Like, please explain to me, because that shit blew up and I want to know.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, I want to know it so bad Like I, some of them I have like heard like their stories and all I can think in my head is like, well, that's an interesting like line of events, like I love how you left out like all the main parts, but this is right. Yeah right. This is usually why I end up with like all the friends after breakouts I'm just as bad to myself as I am to everyone else Fucking same.
Speaker 2:I mean, I feel like if you can't acknowledge the shitty things that you also did, there's no fucking way that you're going to grow and heal from anything.
Speaker 1:No, you're just lying to yourself. At that point I also appreciate it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no shit.
Speaker 1:Okay, we are going to cut it off right there, but don't worry, part two is coming very, very soon, we promise. But in the meantime, if you could head on over to our website, lizcommunicatecom, join our Discord and that way you can chat with us in real time, you can send us an email, you can follow us on our socials and please don't forget to like, follow, share on whatever app you're currently using. Also, if we're not on your favorite player, please let us know so we can fix that. I want to thank you guys so much for listening. There's just one more thing.
Speaker 2:I'm Shelby and this is Steph Bitch. I love you. I love you too, aww.
Speaker 1:I'm Shelby and this is Steph bitch. I love you. I love you too, aww you guys are cute as fuck.
Speaker 2:I know you guys are cute as fuck Us too. It's funny I didn't even get to see her because there's cameras on the side, I know.
Speaker 1:I know I'll take a snap out Don't explode, don't do it, don't Stop it. Alright, stop it. So when is Chelsea coming to? I don't know.
Speaker 2:She wants to really bad. Yeah, you can bring kids.
Speaker 1:I have lots of stuff. I have PS2s I got three controllers now and I have a fresh Bandicoot PSP's I got three controllers now, so and I have fresh bandicoot. So how could you not be there for me? So you have unhealthy healing habits for friends and their friendships with your exes, marriage counseling, helpful Marriage counseling, discussing past relationships with your partner how does how should that work? What's your logic? There's four, pick two. I love the last one For you and maybe it's unhealthy.
Speaker 1:Unhealthy healing happens. Are you pointing at me, jesus? No, I don't drink and I don't love you. You're gonna have to kiss me soon. What? Why the fuck don't I have a drink? Are you gonna go get a drink? I'm gonna go get a drink. Go back, damn, you're gonna need something to drink. Fuck, I should've wet my boots. I'll be back. You can start at that pretty backdrop. All right, it's all for you. There it goes. I'm drinking. Good, I am drinking something called Happy Thursday. It's a spiked fruit. That's really fancy, I mean. I like it because it's the alcohol that works. I like it because it's the alcohol that works. I like it because it's the alcohol that works. I like it because it's the alcohol that works. I like it because it's the alcohol-free sound of 4%, so I can take a shitload of time.
Speaker 2:I love that for you. I can take a shitload of time and not feel a thing. Real party, I should go get one of my MA. I do want to try OkayA Coronas. I do want a Corona. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. Well, I mean, I sent you the intro today, so I know. So. So, just so good, I was gonna wear an intro. I didn't touch the outro, but I did go after Chatty and Petey like I'm, like I'm gonna get an intro, and they didn't know. So they just made me a picture Like what the fuck? I can't wait. If I can hear the outro, I'm excited for that. Yeah, we're still working. I can hear the outro. I'm excited for that. Bye.
