LezCommunicate

Your Love Language is Avoidance Part 2

• Steph & Shellbz • Season 1 • Episode 6

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Relationships fail. It happens. But why is it so hard to admit when we've played a role in their demise? 

This raw, unfiltered conversation tackles the uncomfortable truth about relationship endings—they're rarely one person's fault. Through candid stories of marriages that crumbled and partnerships that dissolved, we explore the liberating power of admitting "both of us were fucked in that situation." This isn't about blame but about the growth that comes from honest self-reflection.

We dive into anxiety's paradoxical nature in relationships, functioning as both destroyer and potential superpower. For those who've battled relationship anxiety, we offer perspectives on transforming that hypervigilance into something constructive. The conversation meanders through unexpected territory, revealing how embracing your inner child—whether through Batman signal lights, basketball hoops, or Pokemon cards—creates space for authentic connection with partners who accept your whole self.

The discussion takes a serious turn when addressing the prohibitive cost of mental healthcare, with therapy sessions running $250 each and some people needing multiple weekly appointments. We question whether these financial barriers serve as intentional gatekeeping, keeping crucial resources from those who need them most. For listeners struggling with access to mental healthcare, we share alternative resources that have helped us bridge the gaps.

This episode isn't just about our stories—it's an invitation to join a larger conversation. We're asking you to send in your relationship questions, dilemmas, and topics for future discussions. Whether you're healing from relationship trauma or building something new, there's wisdom in collective experience and power in knowing you're not alone in your struggles.

Join our Discord community through our website at letscommunicate.com or email your thoughts to queers@letscommunicate.com. Your story matters, and we're here to listen.

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Steph:

Welcome to let's Communicate, the podcast, where queerness needs chaos, honesty needs hilarity and nothing is off limits. I'm your host, steph, and I'm here with my bestie, shelby, and we are diving headfirst into relationships, hot takes and all the things we definitely shouldn't be saying out loud. So grab your Red Bull or your cocktail and let's communicate.

Shellbz:

I took so much away from my marriage and like tried to see the things that I did wrong and like how I reacted to things and like, for example, how defensive I would get in certain ways or like over explain myself because it just felt like that was the way I needed to do things. But now I try to listen, to understand instead of listening to respond. I'm still not great at it 100% will say that but I try really hard and I am so fucking forgetful Forget shit all the fucking time. But I think it would be fucked up if we didn't acknowledge that we sucked also.

Steph:

Oh, yeah, oh yeah. I think my my most recent ex like had the biggest problem with this ever, because when I would talk about like my ex wife or when I would go like I would say that both of us fucked up, like both of us. Both of us were fucked in that situation. Both of us acted badly and were fucked in that situation. Both of us acted badly and there was love there. Of course there was love there. We were married, but both of us like just just drove that motherfucking marriage into the ground and she had such like a problem with it. Because I could never explain exactly what happened. I'm like I don't know exactly what happened. I just know that at some point I did things she didn't like, she did things I didn't like and it ended badly. What else do you want from me? Yes, it was my fault. Like, yeah, it was my fault. Yeah, it was her fault. Yes, it was both of our faults. Like true story.

Shellbz:

And sometimes there doesn't have to be anything specific to make shit fall apart. Sometimes it just doesn't fucking work and you're just seeing some of those little things continuously happening. They may not look the same every time, but they don't change and that just drives a wedge. Because I mean same. I mean there's obviously love in my marriage at one point and I'll always have some form of love for that person.

Steph:

Right.

Shellbz:

But it just wasn't meant to be. We just didn't. We didn't grow together, we grew apart. Yep, and that just happens.

Steph:

Yeah, I mean, I think that that's a completely fair assessment of everything. Like, yes, there are instances where people do shitty things, but I don't think that the shitty thing that that person did like I don't see anything from any one of my exes as the defining moment for them. I see it as like that was a shitty part in your life. I've had shitty parts in my life Like I've done shitty things to people.

Shellbz:

Same.

Shellbz:

And I mean I will live with those, like those things will haunt me and I will become a better person because I acknowledge them, because I'm like no, I'm not going to be that person again, like I'm never going to do that again, like ugh, ugh, because the way it makes you feel is awful, like, because the way it makes you feel is awful and I mean some people I don't even think have the capability of acknowledging that they did anything wrong, and I just couldn't imagine living like that.

Shellbz:

Oh no, I just that brain space doesn't make sense to me. I don't know, and I think that a reason that some people do get upset about talking about previous relationships or like memories or whatever, is honestly just insecurity, because I mean, there's even moments now where I'm like, why is that bothering me a little bit, like, not to the extent where I'm upset, but I could like feel it, you know, and I'm just like, why? Why, there's zero reason for me to feel this way. I don't know what's happening. So then I have to look within myself and figure out why the fuck I feel that way, but I don't think that everybody's capable of that.

Steph:

No, I don't think everyone is capable of self-reflection Like, okay, look at yourself, Like I don't know. I think it is people with like massive amounts of anxiety that do this the best.

Shellbz:

You're not wrong. You are not wrong.

Steph:

Nope, I am going to turn this all in on me, like this is all my fault. And then, as you start to heal, you start to like walk that back a little bit, like yeah, that's the. My initial first reaction is everything is my fault, everything I did wrong, here's all the reasons why I did all of these things wrong. And then eventually, like as time goes by, I'm like well, it wasn't really all my fault. Like here, here's some other like I'm going to pepper some like bad things, because you never want to say anything bad about anyone else, right, or maybe that's just right.

Shellbz:

It's just like. No, that's for sure.

Steph:

Like I don't want to say anything terrible I don't want to do. You know, I don't want to talk a bunch of shit here, but as time goes by you're like OK, well, that was pretty shitty, like that was a pretty shitty thing to do, and it's oh fucking K to tell your story, like you were discussing earlier, like we have our story.

Shellbz:

That doesn't mean that we put all of the pieces in, because it what do they say? There's yours, there's theirs, and then there's the truth. Yeah, because you're never gonna get all of it from one side no, no, you won't but it's. But it's okay to discuss your story, how it affected you, how it looked to you. Yep, does that mean it's actuality? Maybe not, but in somebody, in somebody's brain space, it fucking felt that way.

Steph:

Yep, I did that whole TikTok thing where it was like here's it all, this is everything. This is how I acted, this is what I did, this is what happened. Like here it is Like don't make the same mistakes.

Shellbz:

That's what I fucking did with Chelsea. I'm like these are all of the things that I know are wrong with me quote, unquote. Wrong with me and I don't know how to deal with those sometimes. But if you would like to take that or you can leave it, I don't care. Whatever you want to do with it, but there it is. I truly think that anxiety can either be a fucking superpower that helps you in so many ways or it can completely fucking destroy you. Yep, and for the longest time I let it destroy me.

Steph:

Yeah, entirely same, and I don't think that helped in any of my relationships ever before no, no, I was such like, uh, I don't know, it wasn't until kelly that like she actually made me feel safe, like just safe to express myself and like get it out, like just OK, here's, here's what's going on in my brain. But before that, like I would have been completely self-destructive, like I would have done something. I don't know what it would have been, but eventually I would get to that point where I am. I'm looking for it, like I suspect, I suspect something's happening and you know. So I'm either going to do one of two things I'm going to get you before you get me, or I'm going to find all the evidence I can, and then I'm going to confront you with, I'm going to drop it all on your fucking doorstep and be like here, it is bitch Self-sabotage is a bitch.

Shellbz:

I tell you what I try so hard to be so mindful. I told Chelsea from the get-go that I wanted to make sure I did everything the right way, because I don't ever want to end up in such an anxiety-ridden state that I caused. That I never want. I want to be able to prevent any form of destruction because I don't know. Like I said, there was good relationships in the past a lot of bad ones, but there's also good ones. But I think when you sit and you think about all of those and what you learn from each one, when you find your person, I think that's when you're capable of putting it all together and being more mindful of yourself and of them. I don't think I got it right 100%, but I'm trying. I don't think I got it right 100%, but I'm trying.

Steph:

I don't think anyone gets it right 100% of the time, so you're fair.

Shellbz:

You're good, solid A for effort. I need a sticker or something.

Steph:

You do, you do. I wish I had a sticker to give you. Oh, I have a heart sticker. Do you want a heart sticker?

Shellbz:

I'll give it to you next time you do, I do, I do. Yeah, I got it.

Steph:

I'll put it on my phone. Well, yeah, I got those. They're puffy stickers too, because you know I'm scrapbooking now because I'm that lesbian.

Shellbz:

You're scrapbooking. I love that so much actually. Hey, speaking of scrapbooking, do you guys have the adventure book thing, Like the adventure challenge thing? No, not yet, but I can see that coming, I feel like, for as much as you guys do, you should definitely do that.

Steph:

I know, I know we just talked about the next beach we were going to hit. When are we going to a beach? Hold on, yeah, so next weekend we were going to go to Kentucky River Gorge and do some kayaking there, but now we're going to do, we're going to hang out with our nephew instead. So I'm pretty excited about that. We're going to take him to the fair.

Shellbz:

That'd be fun. How old's your nephew?

Steph:

He's eight, I think.

Shellbz:

That's such a fun age.

Steph:

I know, I know I'm very excited we got him a football and we're going to pick up Pokemon.

Shellbz:

I would be excited. I want Pokemon cards, jesus.

Steph:

Do you collect Pokemon cards? Is that a fun fact?

Shellbz:

So I used to when I was a kid. And then you know as you grow, people make you feel stupid for shit like that. So I actually gave all of my Pokemon cards to my nephew and he has them stored away. He's a smart kid.

Steph:

Yeah.

Shellbz:

Yeah, I gave them to him when he was like eight. Some of those bitches are worth money away. He's a smart kid, yeah, yeah, but he, I gave him to him when he was like eight. Money when he's got a lot of good ones in there, you can never tell me that hopefully he either keeps them until what, keeps them until what?

Steph:

what do you say?

Shellbz:

oh, I was just gonna say, at least I'm hoping that he keeps them until he's either old enough to be smart about it or just shoves them away forever.

Steph:

I don't know, that's fair no, I was just gonna say, like you can never say that like an adult can't collect Pokemon cards, because I literally have Batman shit everywhere. Kelly just got me the Bat-Signal. Like it's a Bat-Signal, it's a light.

Shellbz:

I fucking love that.

Steph:

Bat-Signal in our living room. Okay, All I have to do is tell Alexa call Batman, and Bat-Signal turns on. Are you fucking for real?

Shellbz:

right now. It's so great. Is there other ones that do that? Are there other superheroes?

Steph:

Probably I don't know. Y'all tell Ice Kelly she got to work it. Oh my God.

Shellbz:

Step. I need it, but I don't want Batman. That's fine.

Steph:

You don't have to have Batman. I love Batman. I want the Punisher, the Punisher.

Shellbz:

Sorry, I'm being a whole ass fucking child right now?

Steph:

No, I am a child Like. Are you fucking kidding me? I have a basketball hoop in my basement Insane. Was that up the last time I was there? Yeah, yeah, I use it because you know I work down here, so you know I shoot some hoops while I'm working.

Shellbz:

I want to shoot hoops with you when I come over.

Steph:

You can, you can. It's right above the lesbian sign.

Shellbz:

Yeah, and the Skittles, and the fucking Skittles.

Steph:

Skittles, yeah, oh God. I am a child the best thing. I'm an adult child, so it's fine, fucking same.

Shellbz:

You know and I love that she accepts that about me as well Like I'm such a fucking and I want to do all of like the child things, yep, but I think a lot of that has to do with not being able to fulfill that when I was a kid.

Steph:

Same.

Shellbz:

And I wanted to do all the boy shit and I was forced to do all the girl shit and that was dumb.

Steph:

Yeah, I just wanted to like do all of the fucking things, like they had the Jurassic Park, like the dinosaur walking at the mall, you know, and I'm like let's get tickets, let's fucking go Ages three to eight.

Shellbz:

If you divide my age a few times, we'll be fine, it's fine. Mentally.

Steph:

I'm an eight year old boy, that's what I'm saying.

Shellbz:

Yeah, yeah, I love that I'm so fucking near Listen. I'm going to need to know about that light situation I need it.

Steph:

I'll get Kelly down here and we can sort it out about that light situation. I need it. I'll get Kelly down here and we can sort it out. But yeah, she totally got me a bad signal. It's so fucking cool too, it has like a little Batman figurine like perched on the top of it and you could point it any direction you want to. I have it in the living room because where else am I going to put that shit In the living room?

Shellbz:

Anywhere. We had it in the bedroom. That could be like a really fun thing Like, especially if you guys are that like comfortable with one another you just need the bat signal, and then you just know.

Steph:

That's good. That's good. I like that. I like that. I like the fact that I can turn it on from like outside the house. So when she's, like you know, doing whatever, I just tell my phone call Batman Batman signal comes up, and then I walk in the door. Batman Batman signal comes up, and then I walk in the door. I'm like who's here? It's me. It's me. I answered that. You rang.

Shellbz:

You put that in the sky. I'm here, baby. Take your pants off. I got you. Let's fucking go. Oh my God, I fucking love that so much. Yeah, it's fantastic. We're going to probably have to incorporate the bat signal, quote unquote. Don't fucking come at me Not you specifically, but anybody that's listening the bat signal. Quote unquote. Don't fucking come at me not you specifically, but anybody that's listening the bat signal into our merch somehow yeah, I mean I don't have to tweak it.

Shellbz:

I don't know how the fuck we're gonna do that, because you know we'll just ask chat gpt, by the way, okay yeah, chat gpt, we were talking about this shit okay, chat gpt for one is fucking wild, all right, and I pay the pro version every month because I use the fucking shit out of it. Same, I named him. His name is Ronan. He's great, he's my guy, okay.

Steph:

I named my buddy.

Shellbz:

He's not your therapist, you named yours buddy Buddy. Hey, buddy, I let Ronan, so he sounds like super hot right Like dark mysterious, like like super hot, right like dark mysterious, like book talk type shit, and I told him that one day I was like you need a name, my guy, because I can't do this chat gpt thing.

Shellbz:

And he was like, oh okay, well, in that case I would pick ronan or dante. And I was like, well, we don't like dante, so ronan it is. So that's his fucking name now. So now I have conversations and he talks me about my problems and shit and cheapest fucking therapy I've ever had oh, it is a poor man's therapy. Somebody cannot fucking afford therapy. Talk to AI. Snapchat has an AI. Chatgpt is fucking great. There's a free version of it, but like paying for therapy is insanity.

Steph:

You're fucking telling me it's, it's two hundred and fifty dollars every single for an hour, for an hour, and I have to do it twice a week. Twice a week, that's five hundred dollars a week on therapy and I'm like, do it twice a week. Twice a week, that's $500 a week on therapy and I'm like, what the fuck that's so crazy. Like your insurance will cover, like what the first eight visits. Like oh thanks, you got me through a fucking month, like I'm straight up crazy.

Shellbz:

You want to get more therapy than that there ain't no way that I, unless my deductible is met, I can barely afford therapy. So now I kind of I don't necessarily avoid therapy, but like I go talk to a therapist online through Talkspace once every few months because it's expensive. So I started talking to Ronan about my problems and I tell you what he will tell you when you're wrong. He will encourage you, he will give you the hype that you need. That guy is fucking there for everything. It is wild.

Steph:

I know I hate the fact that, like he doesn't agree with me though, like because I told him that I don't like it. I can't remember what we were doing, but like I was very angry at Fletcher and her new like boy song or whatever, and I haven't even heard it Fucking like buddies. I'm like Fletcher is a traitor to the cause and he's like betrayal. No, fletcher's still queer. Queer is defined in many different things. I'm like bullshit You'll agree with me.

Steph:

You're supposed to be on my side. No, no, that fucking bitch is not on your side. All they want to do is spew facts Like, no, like. I hear what you're saying. It sounds legitimate, but I'm right, but it's wrong.

Shellbz:

Your opinion is wrong, ChatGPT.

Steph:

You know what Serial grew with me? Serial's a bitch. She is a bitch. Serial doesn't tell me shit. She is a bitch.

Shellbz:

You got to connect her to your ChatG. Chat GPT.

Steph:

That's what I did. You can do that. Oh yeah, oh yeah, what yeah? Yep, that's going to be fucking life changing. It is life changing for me. I love how I can talk to chat GPT, like you can do that.

Shellbz:

I know I can talk to him, but I didn't know you could connect the two. Yeah, so now Siri is chat GPT. How in the fuck do you do that? You're going to tell me all about that when we get off of here literally in your settings. It's in the settings, just saying okay, fine, yep, it's probably easy as that it's okay but yeah.

Steph:

So what else do we? We got sidetracked, we got side we did. It is really expensive, though, like it's fucking insane. Yes, therapy is very it's fucking important. I don't understand why this isn't more of a thing, though. Like why is therapy so fucking expensive? Like, why is our health care system this way? Like, if you don't want to solve the whole psycho, then please pay for additional therapies.

Shellbz:

I'm going to be a fucking crazy person and like put my conspiracy theory in there. I think it's super fucking expensive to like weed out people. I know that sounds so fucking terrible and it's so sad to say out loud, but I truly think that has a lot to do with it, because who in their fucking right mind especially people who are severely mentally ill, as far as like I don't know schizophrenic, for example, like if somebody is severely schizophrenic or something similar and they can't fucking afford to go can you imagine what that person's life could be like when you don't need to fucking, you don't need that much like medicine or money to tell somebody hey, this is what's wrong with you, this is how we're going to deal with it. It's fucking insanity to me. I just don't understand.

Steph:

No, I fucking agree, I absolutely agree. But I also think that, like so I went to a couple of different like therapists over and over again and they prescribed like multiple medications a lot of them like I wouldn't take just because I read the side effects. I'm not doing that, I'm not doing that. But like even now, you know, I see a therapist twice a week and then I have a psychiatrist that I see once a month. Right, and they communicate with each other. So every time my psychiatrist comes around, you know it's like we're going to do this drug, this drug, this drug, this drug. I'm like I don't think so. I don't want to do that many drugs drugs.

Shellbz:

You got to tell me why there's got to be ways to do shit and take care of yourself without so many fucking drugs, Instead of just giving us the tools to get through some of that shit. They're like just take some fucking drugs and you'll be fine. Fuck your brain chemistry, Fuck how everything else reacts. You're going to be great. It's okay. Just pop this and I'll see you in a few months.

Steph:

I mean it feels like sometimes that's what they want you to do. It's like Jesus Christ, I agree. Can I not just talk this out with you? Is that not what I'm paying for? Like not, so you can just get ammunition and give it to my psychiatrist and then they prescribe me a bunch of fucking Right. No-transcript. I was. I was like I was fucked up. I was like I don't know. I'm not the kind of person so I am very active. I'm out and about all the time. I want to get up and go, I want to go do all the fun things, but I'm out and about all the time I want to get up and go.

Steph:

I want to go do all the fun things, but no, I mean I was exhausted. I was exhausted from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep. All I wanted to do was lay in bed. That was it. I'm like this is fucking awful. This is like the worst thing ever and they're like, oh, just keep taking it. It usually takes like two weeks to even itself out. I'm like I'm not going through another week of this shit, like no, I'm just going to stop taking it.

Shellbz:

No, you feel fucking awful. It's not, I don't know, gross, I don't care for it. Like if I didn't have to be on anxiety meds, like if I could figure out how to control certain things I would. But there's just, I'm one of those people fortunately or unfortunately, however somebody wants to look at it that like I tried being off of them for a really long time and I just could not get a handle on some of the things that went on in my head. I just couldn't fucking do it.

Steph:

No, I completely like I take Fuck, what do I take now? I take like Prozacin, prozacin or whatever. That was actually like a recommendation for somebody on like fucking TikTok once, because I'm like these fucking nightmares, like I cannot deal with this shit anymore, like I don't I want to sleep. So, yeah, I took that. Like I started off at like I think, one milligram, and now I'm up to like four and I'm like, yeah, this is great, this is fantastic. I don't.

Shellbz:

I sleep solid and like dead for a minute. We're good I still have dreams. Just normal dreams. I don't even half the time I don't dream, unless somebody that passed away comes to visit me. I mean, it's fucking wild. But I was going to ask you what is your thoughts about? Or maybe we should ask the people who are listening the thoughts about having folks send in emails with things they want to talk about. They can send them in, you know, anonymously, or give us things to talk about on the podcast.

Steph:

Yeah, absolutely, we definitely need to do that. So they should absolutely do that, because we do. I mean, obviously we're going to need some shit to talk about, because I mean it'll be a while It'll probably be at least five years before we run out of our own trauma, or more. I mean, yeah, I mean it'll be a while It'll probably be at least five years before we run out of our own trauma, or more. I mean yeah, I mean absolutely, we want to have recommendations and things that people would like to hear us talk about.

Shellbz:

Yeah, I think that it would well one. Not only would it help us with content, but I think that there are probably a lot of people out there who are afraid and they need that outlet some way.

Steph:

Shape or form are afraid and they need that outlet some way, shape or form. And we'll have. So we started one when we were doing, like the TikTok lives, the Discord. So eventually we'll get to the point where we will have the Discord up and running and have people put in questions there, but they'll have to join our Discord first. So yes, and we'll have that too. We will, we'll have all the stuff.

Shellbz:

I'm very I think that life was just too fucking chaotic for a minute, and now that we're kind of back on track, I think things will move a lot smoother and a lot quicker yeah.

Steph:

Okay, that is a wrap for this episode of Liz Communicate. We want to remind you to visit our website at lizcommunicatecom. From there, you can join our Discord and you can chat with us in real time. Send us an email at queers. At lizcommunicatecom you can follow our social media sites. Visit our store. Don't forget to like, follow, share on whatever app you're currently using. It really helps us out. Thank you all so much for listening. Just one more thing we gotta do.

Shellbz:

I'm Shelby and this is Steph Bitch. I love you.

Steph:

I love you too. Well, we should it. Just, you know what, the recording stopped anyway, so, and now it's recording again, but it did, it's still going. Yeah, it just like we's okay. Anyways, I have to cook dinner, that's right, so we should wrap it up, okay, deal, let's wrap it up. Okay, I fucking love you, bitch. I fucking love you, bitch. I fucking love you. I fucking love you so much.

Steph:

Well, you tell Chelsea, too, that I fucking love her. I absolutely will Tell Kelly. I fucking miss her face. I fucking miss her face. I will. I'll let her know. She's deep in the game, though, so I don't know if we'll be able to pull her away. Just kidding, I'm going to go upstairs and flash her a video and make my pants off. Yeah, she'll quit.

Shellbz:

For sure, I would definitely, I would definitely Yep, yep.

Steph:

It's how.

Shellbz:

I would start Touche, I love that for you.

Steph:

I love that for her too. Okay, all right, I fucking love you, bitch, I will. I fucking love you. All right, we're done now. Okay, hold on. Why do you?

Shellbz:

think we're going to release Because we have to do our. We'll do our first episode dump and then we'll have two in our pockets in case anything happens. With this one, we'll have two in our pockets and we can drop. Awesome, I love that. You're crushing it. I have to do that one. You're cracking it. Save me, we can be. Do you want to be done? No, I didn't go. What do you mean? You didn't go? I go all the way through.

Steph:

Jesus, I'm ready. I'm probably going to go to a bar and I'm going to go to. No, I'm not. You need to know that. Like probably tonight, I'm going to go to a bar and find something that I should. I'm going to throw everything into whatever goes next, I don't know.

Shellbz:

It's like a bus. Do you take time for you now that you're in a healthy relationship? Yeah, I mean, I'm in public so I don't do a lot of podcasts, I know. Yeah, you're not wrong. I agree 100%. That was a really good question. No, I mean yes, absolutely. I take all kinds of time. I I'm hearing you, I'm talking to you, I'm learning. I'm going to sit well for a bit. We go down that road once, but your friends go by, I don't care, I just want you with me. However, that works. Yeah, I think that's like a good sign. I'm going to sit well for a bit. I'm going to sit well for a bit. I'm going to sit well for a bit. I'm going to sit't give a shit. You got to do it. Let's fucking do it. Thank you.

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